The Demented Goddess (DG): Wednesday, to what extent are the vibrators you’ve tried designed to fulfill the traditional partiarchal paradigm of cock-worshipping hetero sex?

It’s odd that so many are designed to look like dicks when we know most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone.

I love toys like the Squish (and also the oval-shaped Lelo) because to me, those say, “Hello, it’s all about your clit!”

For those who love cock, there’s nothing wrong with that. Enjoy those big dildo toys! There is some research suggesting that for clit stimulation, girth is more important than length, so bear that in mind.

[DG]: Having female genitalia, defending and being in touch with it has become entrenched in feminist discourse (especially certain radical feminist positions).

Does the ease of orgasm provided by technology mitigate against trying to have one naturally by ourselves – and does this matter?

What is “naturally”? Manually? From oral sex? From intercourse? Scissoring? We evolved a richly innervated, forward facing clitoris so we could have orgasms and multiple orgasms. And we evolved as very flexible social and social strategists— our adaptability sexually and socially is one of the reasons our species is still here. Any way at all you get there is the way to do it. And yes, in my view, this is one of those rare cases where tech innovation is all for the good.

[DG]: To what extent are vibrators a threat to intimate relationships, of any sexual orientation?

Oh good Lord Goddess above, none at all if your partner cares that you have an orgasm and this is what gets you there! They are a boon to intimate relationships because they help those who orgasm clitorally have fun sexually! As Emily Nagoski always says to women who say, “Can I get addicted to my vibrator?” “No, but you can get spoiled!” No problem there.

If someone doesn’t want you to use your vibrator after a quick simple explanation that you are very excited by them but your vibrator helps get you off, reconsider whether that person is a positive presence in your life and bed (or kitchen table or shower or outdoors or wherever you like to have sex)

[DG]: Clitoral nerve endings extend as far as the anus, while the G-spot, in the anterior wall of the vagina, also contains some erectile tissue and is part of the clitoral complex.

 Which of the vibrators you’ve tried have heightened your sensitivity in parts of yourself you might not normally explore?

What we’ve learned about the clitoris thanks to Dr. Helen O’Connell’s hard work and then the activism of sex positive feminists is so mindblowing and critical to our sexual satisfaction! I could cry when I consider that we put a man on the moon, sent a Rover to Mars, and mapped the entire human genome before we even learned what the clitoris actually IS.

It would be great to see more toys that address the fact that those with a clitoris have a perineal sponge. Let’s get to it! I’m interested in toys like the Partner Multifun 1 by Satisfyer because it can be used for nipple stim, clit stim, G-spot stim, anal and scrotal stim. Very versatile.

The Pixie by Sweet Vibrations is similarly versatile! For clit and G-spot stimulation simultaneously, all hail the classic Rabbit. Oh, how we love our Rabbits.

[DG]: Is it better to give head that doesn’t result in an orgasm, or use a vibrator on your partner, knowing they will cum?

What does your partner like and want and respond to? Edging is so much fun. Figure out what gets them almost there, then torment them a bit before bringing it home.

[DG]: What’s your favourite vibrator – and why?

I am a big fan of the FemmeFun Bullet. It’s my go to. Women have told me they like it because it’s discreet; easy to carry around (much smaller than a dildo sized toy); because they can use it for anal and vaginal penetration; and for indirect and direct clit stimulation. I never travel without my Crave Necklace travel vibrator. It looks exactly like a pendant necklace, and TSA has never given me a hassle about it. And it’s surprisingly POWERFUL.

Don’t forget lube! I love Pjur. It’s a German product and the EU is more exactly about safety than the US so it gives you some peace of mind. I heard about it from several women who work as escorts. They know!

Wednesday writes on gender, motherhood & female sexuality for The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Daily Beast, and Harper’s Bazaar.  She is the author of best-selling memoir, The Primates of Park Avenue and a non-fiction exploration of women’s ‘infidelity’, Untrue, out now.

Twitter @WednesdayMartin

Instagram @wednesdaymartin